


my racing mind

by julidoesnotwrites (notjuli), notjuli



Series: My Poetry [3]
Category: Original Work, Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Mentions of Substance Abuse, Mentions of Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, POV First Person, Poetry, Prose Poem, poem
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-04
Updated: 2020-05-04
Packaged: 2021-03-01 23:09:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 824
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23995048
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/notjuli/pseuds/julidoesnotwrites, https://archiveofourown.org/users/notjuli/pseuds/notjuli
Summary: this is a short poem inspired by the one line in the one fic that somehow spiraled into thiscontent warning: mentions of sex, nicotine, alcohol and drugs, and abuse of all of the above mentioned as an unhealthy coping mechanism.
Relationships: Sherlock Holmes & John Watson, Sherlock Holmes/John Watson
Series: My Poetry [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1731454
Comments: 10
Kudos: 15





	my racing mind

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Your Daughter](https://archiveofourown.org/works/21605230) by [agirlsname](https://archiveofourown.org/users/agirlsname/pseuds/agirlsname). 



> this is a short poem inspired by the one line in the one fic that somehow spiraled into this
> 
> content warning: mentions of sex, nicotine, alcohol and drugs, and abuse of all of the above mentioned as an unhealthy coping mechanism.

my racing mind

* * *

> I have searched for ways
> 
> to still my racing mind,
> 
> for as long as I remember.
> 
> I tried everything,
> 
> from naps, to work,
> 
> from nicotine, to alcohol,
> 
> from sex, to cocaine.
> 
> I have searched for ways,
> 
> to still my racing mind.
> 
> I looked in the boys in my class,
> 
> in sports, in girls, in clothes.
> 
> I looked in art, in music, in people,
> 
> and in everything I could find.
> 
> since I was but a boy,
> 
> my mind racing, all the time,
> 
> kept others at bay,
> 
> made Mummy mad.
> 
> I have searched for ways,
> 
> to still my racing mind.
> 
> it was still racing,
> 
> when I first met you.
> 
> it made me say things,
> 
> and I waited for the punch.
> 
> instead I got praise,
> 
> and your amazed eyes fixed on me.
> 
> I kept talking,
> 
> you kept watching,
> 
> "amazing", you said,
> 
> "brilliant", you said.
> 
> you were warned,
> 
> against staying with me.
> 
> you asked for a cab,
> 
> and came home, to me.
> 
> I have searched for ways
> 
> to still my racing mind,
> 
> but with you it wasn't so bad.
> 
> "that's not good", you'd say,
> 
> and you'd laugh with me,
> 
> and you'd follow me,
> 
> and you'd laugh with me.
> 
> I've got to admit,
> 
> I was scared you'd leave,
> 
> time and time again,
> 
> but you kept coming home, to me.
> 
> you never left.
> 
> they forced _me_ to leave instead.
> 
> but I came back.
> 
> but I'd been gone.
> 
> and my mind wouldn't shut up about you,
> 
> and my heart wouldn't shut up about you,
> 
> and my bones would ache,
> 
> and my skin break,
> 
> and I would bleed,
> 
> and my mind wouldn't shut up about you.
> 
> but I came back.
> 
> but I'd been gone.
> 
> and you didn't know I would come back,
> 
> and you thought I was gone for good,
> 
> and I think I broke your heart.
> 
> but I came back.
> 
> and I came back,
> 
> and saw you again,
> 
> and my heart cried out for you,
> 
> and my mind cried out for you,
> 
> and I panicked a bit (a lot).
> 
> and I came back,
> 
> and you punched me real good,
> 
> and then you did it again,
> 
> and then you cried,
> 
> and then (amazingly) you forgave me.
> 
> (you forgave me!)
> 
> and I was back,
> 
> and you were back,
> 
> and my mind kept coming back to you,
> 
> and my heart kept coming back to you.
> 
> and I have searched for ways,
> 
> to still my racing mind,
> 
> but as long as it was racing for,
> 
> about, you,
> 
> it wasn't so bad.
> 
> and you didn't mind,
> 
> the intense stares,
> 
> the weird hours,
> 
> the way my heart kept calling out to you.
> 
> and I have searched for ways
> 
> to still my racing mind,
> 
> and then that one time,
> 
> I held you in my arms.
> 
> (I Held You In My Arms)
> 
> and I held you in my arms,
> 
> your face against my shoulder,
> 
> mine atop your head,
> 
> your arms across my back,
> 
> my hand in your neck,
> 
> and I held you in my arms,
> 
> and my heart was pressed against yours,
> 
> and they heard each other's calls,
> 
> and you heard my heart call for you,
> 
> while you were in my arms,
> 
> and you looked up at me,
> 
> and my mind stopped.
> 
> and my mind stopped.
> 
> and my mind stopped.
> 
> (and my mind stopped) (!) (!!)
> 
> all that there was,
> 
> were your eyes on mine,
> 
> my hands on your back and yours on mine,
> 
> and your eyes on mine,
> 
> shining the way they were,
> 
> and our hearts beating out for each other,
> 
> and your eyes on mine,
> 
> and my mind stopped.
> 
> and I have searched for ways,
> 
> to still my racing mind,
> 
> and your eyes on mine,
> 
> our hearts beating together,
> 
> and the understanding we saw in each other's eyes,
> 
> was all I ever needed.
> 
> oh how Mummy used to cry,
> 
> if only I knew you back then.
> 
> oh how my brother worried,
> 
> if only I'd known you at the time.
> 
> oh and how many toxins in my system,
> 
> if only I'd met you before.
> 
> you were all I ever needed,
> 
> to still my racing mind.
> 
> your eyes on mine,
> 
> you in my arms,
> 
> your love for me.
> 
> you.
> 
> and my mind was calm,
> 
> and you were there,
> 
> and I didn't even care,
> 
> because you were there,
> 
> and you are here,
> 
> and you are all I need,
> 
> all I want,
> 
> if you were all I had, I'd be happy,
> 
> and I have you and I am, happy.
> 
> and you are here,
> 
> and you make me happy.
> 
> and oh, how happy Mummy will be,
> 
> and oh, how glad my brother is,
> 
> and oh, how you make me feel,
> 
> and oh, how you still my racing mind.
> 
> and I have searched for ways
> 
> to still my racing mind,
> 
> for as long as I remember,
> 
> and all I was ever missing was you,
> 
> and all I ever needed was you,
> 
> and all I ever want is you,
> 
> and how you still my racing mind,
> 
> oh, how you still my racing mind.

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading.  
> you can find me on tumblr [here](https://thisisnotjuli.tumblr.com) on my personal blog and [here](https://fanishjuli.tumblr.com) on my fandoms blog


End file.
